Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
