I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
