i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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