ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
