i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
