My liver just broke up with me...
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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