We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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