you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
