Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
