I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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