you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
