In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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