You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
