Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
