Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
