I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
