I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
