Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
