as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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