So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
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I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
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I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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