I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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