Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
