i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Panties = found
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
