"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
