Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
