I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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