Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
