last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
