dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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