I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
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its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
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I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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