11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
if you like me you must not know who I am
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
