I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
