Plan B is the new Plan A
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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