I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Randomize
