3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I pour the whiskey from now on
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
