how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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