I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Is Oprah even human
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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