youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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