the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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