I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I puked a lego.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
