don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading