This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
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He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
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Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila