he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
