I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
