You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
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I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
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I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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