I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think I am morally bankrupt
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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