he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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