i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
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