maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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