I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
