alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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