i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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