In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
