Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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