sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
