i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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