I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Who died my cat blue again?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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